ShinRa's Island
by Dragons' Song
Summary: Rufus and the Turks get stranded on a deserted island. What will happen? Will they survive? Find out!


ShinRa's Island  
  
  
Now, a long time ago, four Turks and their president went on a trip to Mideel. However, on the way, they ran into a storm and their chopper crashed on a deserted island that nobody knew about. They tried to call on the PHS but it was broken in the crash. They would just have to find out how to get off the island by themselves. But first, they had to survive the mutated chocobos that had inhabited the island for as long as they could remember....  
* * * *   
(Gilligan's Island music plays without lyrics)  
  
The four Turks, Reno, Rude, Elena and Tseng sat in a chopper with President Rufus. Every now and then, Reno would call out, "We there yet?" Finally, Rufus could take it no more. "No Reno, we are not there yet, and if you ask one more time, I will personally throw you out the chopper and shoot you as you fall. Any questions?"  
"Yeah...Are we-," Reno started until Rufus shoved his loaded rifle into his face. "...no," Reno finished quickly when he saw the rifle and the murderous look on Rufus's face. Elena started to laugh until the rifle was pointed her way. Rufus gave everybody a look that said he'd shoot the next person who talked. Reno leaned over to Elena and whispered so that Rufus couldn't hear. "Me an' Rude went to the bar with him last night. He was up till god-knows-when doing god-knows-what. I think he's got a hangover. Of course, one couldn't really tell, as this IS his normal, what we call, 'happy' mood." Elena tried not to laugh but couldn't help it. She burst out laughing. Rufus pulled up his rifle and was about to kill Elena when a sudden jarring thump threw him off. The voice of the pilot could barely be heard over the chopper blades. "Uhhh...we're encountering some turbulence and uh...well...,"  
"GET ON WITH IT!!" Rufus roared.   
"One of the chopper blades broke off and we're about to crash land on an uncharted island!"  
"WHAT?!" Suddenly, a huge tremor ripped through the small craft as it collided with the sandy beach. Judging by the fact that the branch of a nearby tree was thrust through the head of the man in the cockpit, the pilot was dead. "Oh wonderful...," Reno commented. " Oh, and by the way, we there-,"  
"YES!" Everybody, including Tseng yelled.   
"Just askin'..."  
"So...anybody have any ideas?" Elena asked.   
"Yeah...," Rufus said. "Reno, go get food. Elena, get water. Tseng find a cave or something and Rude...,""  
Everybody waited, eyebrows raised.  
"...Rude, make sure Reno doesn't kill himself or something equally stupid. Not like it wouldn't be a blessing...,"  
"Uh, Sir? What will you be doing?" Tseng asked. This surprised everybody because Tseng usually wouldn't be the one to dispute orders. That was Reno's job.   
Rufus gave him a nasty look. "It shouldn't be of a concern to you, but I will be nap-er...guarding the chopper, just in case."   
Tseng gave Rufus a curious glance. "...Yes sir."  
Rufus watched the four Turks move off into the underbrush. As soon as the last one was out of sight, Rufus climbed back into the chopper and fell asleep.   
* * * *  
Reno and Rude pushed through the dense underbrush, Reno looking for food and Rude watching for Reno's stupidity. He had a Polaroid camera ready too, just in case. Reno pushed a prickly branch out of the way, cursing as it rebounded right into his eye. Looking out into the clearing, Reno saw a chocobo with big blue tail feathers grazing in the grass. Reno was about to shoot the beautiful bird when he found his pants slung low around his ankles. You see, his belt had caught on a branch and come undone. That, and the fact that the smallest waist size they had in navy blue pants had still been way to big for Reno, caused his pants to find their way to the ground. Reno bent down to get the waist, his face as red as his hair, when he heard the familiar click of a Polaroid and Rude's laughter. He turned to see Rude tuck a developing picture inside his jacket and the camera in his hands. However the noise scared off the bird. Reno grabbed his belt, and, giving nasty looks and gestures to Rude, he pulled up his pants, put on the belt and they continued on into the jungle.  
* * * *  
Elena wasn't having a fun time either. The tree branches caught in her hair and pulled very sharply. She realized that she didn't have anything to put the water in. On top of that, she was alone, lost, and a little frightened. "Stupid ShinRa," she grumbled. "Stupid President, stupid chopper, stupid island, stupid storm, stupid job, stupid pilot..." Finally, she was so frustrated, she screamed loudly, VERY loudly. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"  
* * * *  
Tseng was bored. His clothes were in shreds from the various branches and rocks and he hadn't found anything. He was about to report back when a high scream that could only belong to Elena, (It could be Reno's when a certain area is injured but this time it is Elena) erupted from his right. Knowing that she could, and probably was in danger, Tseng sprinted into the forest to her rescue.   
* * * *  
Reno and Rude had been walking for seemingly hours and hadn't found anything. Reno faced Rude. "Well, we didn't find anything. Maybe we could eat Elena..." Rude nodded in agreement. "What? We really can eat Elena?" Reno asked, mock excited. Behind his sunglasses, Rude rolled his eyes. "No, twit, I was agreeing on going back. That's it."  
Reno looked crestfallen. "Oh, dam*." They entered the jungle they way they came, and proceeded back to camp.   
* * * *  
Now, chocobos, even mutated ones, do not like to be interrupted when they eat. And the one that Reno and Rude had scared off was plotting its revenge. The evil bird saw the two Turks go through the forest when an evil plan entered its mind. It followed the two men. Finally, the bird jumped out of the bushes and attacked.   
* * * *  
Elena sat down on the ground, upset and crying. She had her head buried in her arms when she heard something thunder through the forest. She stood up and pulled out her gun, ready for whatever came through. Imagine her surprise when a worried Tseng burst through the foliage. Gasping for breath, he asked, "Are..you...alright?"  
Elena nodded. "Uh, yeah...Why?"  
Tseng looked at her. "You sure? I heard you scream, like you were in trouble. I came to check on you."   
Elena looked away, embarrassed. "Uh...no actually, it was just pent-up stress. I was upset." She cringed slightly, afraid that Tseng would get angry. But actually, he just wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "It's okay. But tell me one thing," he said. Elena looked up. "Is it Reno? 'Cause if it is, I will personally give him a dressing down then kick his skinny ass to Midgar after I kick it around this island a couple of times."   
Elena smiled. "No, it's not Reno. Not that I wouldn't MIND him being kicked all the way to Midgar. But, unfortunately, it's not Reno. Just stress."  
"You'd better be careful. You're the only girl on an island with four guys. Watch yourself. And especially watch for Reno." Elena shuddered at the thought, her face a mask of horror. They walked for a while until a VERY high scream pierced the afternoon, a scream five octaves higher than humanly possible by any male. Tseng looked up from Elena's face, startled. There was no mistaking the voice. Tseng and Elena tore through the underbrush in the direction of the scream. The sight that greeted them, however, was absolutely hilarious. Reno was running around a clearing, screaming like a maniac. As soon as his back turned, Tseng could see the problem. Tseng struggled to keep a straight face as Elena started to roll on the ground, laughing uproariously. For, attached to Reno's posterior region, was a chocobo, its beak buried Reno's butt. Rude was laughing loudly as well, taking pictures with his beloved Polaroid camera. However, their mirth was short lived as a grumpy Rufus, annoyed at being woken up so rudely, came crashing through the forest, rifle cocked. "WHAT"S ALL THIS ABOUT?!" he thundered.  
Tseng and the others shuffled their feet, clearly embarrassed, while Reno continued to run and scream.   
"SHUT THE HELL UP!!" Rufus screamed, shooting the chocobo in the head. Reno pulled the offending beak out, before falling to his knees, tired and with a sore butt.  
"...Butt...," Reno moaned. Rufus grabbed him by his collar and hauled him to his feet.   
"GET UP!" The three Turks snapped to attention while Reno just rubbed his butt. Rufus gave him a look that would have warped steel. "Because of your insolence, RENO, you can haul the bird back to the chopper and make dinner. By yourself."  
That reminded Reno of something. "You mean the chopper you were supposed to be watching?"  
"SHUT UP!" Rufus yelled, his face bright red, and clearly annoyed. "I GIVE THE ORDERS AROUND HERE AND I'M TELLING EVERYONE TO SHUT THE HELL UP!! RENO, PICK UP THE GODDAM*ED BIRD, SHUT UP AND FOLLOW ME!" Reno silently picked up the bird and everyone followed Rufus back to camp.  
* * * *  
That night, the group of ShinRa executives was huddled around a fire. Rufus stood up and yawned. "Alright. I'm going to sleep. I get the chopper and everyone else, find something. Tseng, you have first watch, the Elena, then Rude. Any questions?"  
Elena raised her hand. "Yeah. Why doesn't Reno have to do sentry?"  
Rufus rubbed his temple. "Does today's encounter in the jungle explain anything to you?" Elena nodded. "Good," Rufus added. "'Night" Rufus crawled into the chopper, leaving the Turks to fend for themselves. "I will wake you for the next watch. Get some sleep." Reno burrowed into sand. The others followed his example and soon the Turks fell asleep, blissfully unaware of the eyes watching their every move.   
* * * *  
During the night, even in the tropics, it can get extremely cold. Reno found this out that night. He climbed out of the sand and took in the camp. Elena, who was supposed to keep watch, was snoring gently by the smoldering fire. Reno stumbled over to the chopper, hoping to relieve Rufus of one of the emergency blankets. The sight which greeted him almost made him burst out laughing. Wanting to show the others, Reno crept off with out making a sound. He found a lump that was unmistakably Rude. Reno poked him with a toe. "Hey Rude!" he hissed. Rude started and sat up. "What the hell do you want?" Rude grunted.  
"You gotta see this. Get your camera and I'll get Elena."  
Rude stopped. "What about Tseng?"  
Reno shrugged. "Nah. Too much of a wet blanket. Hurry up!"  
Rude found his camera while Reno woke Elena. Finally, they were assembled outside the chopper. "Now," Reno addressed them. "Do not make a noise 'till Rude gets a picture of this. Rude, your flash working?" Rude nodded. "Good. Now, look inside the chopper." Inside was Rufus, wearing pink silk pajamas with blue hearts. He was clutching a blue teddy bear, a pink blanket and sucking his thumb. Reno heard the click of Rude's camera and then Elena's laughter. However, the light and noise woke Rufus. He grunted, then sat up. "Huh? What's going on? Is there a storm outside?" When he heard Reno's laughter and saw the rough outline of a camera in Rude's hands, he realized his situation. "Hey...wait a minute...," But before he could order them to do anything, Rude and the others ran off. Rufus got up and chased them unmercifully, despite his pajamas.   
Tseng saw and Reno and the others running, giggling/screaming like school girls. Then he saw Rufus in his pajamas. Tseng, despite his cool exterior, burst out laughing. Rufus glared his way before continuing after the picture-bearing group. Tseng wished he could've seen the whole thing, but he took what he could get. Rufus had caught up to Rude. The tall man was holding Rufus' rifle, the pictures and the camera high above his head while Rufus was jumping, desperate to reach them. "GIVE 'EM TO ME YOU SONUVABITCH!" Rufus screamed desperately. Reno was giggling madly while Elena went white. "Reno," she cautioned. "He's gonna kill us if he gets his rifle!" Reno grabbed Tseng and yelled for Rude. Rude flung Rufus' rifle into the ocean and followed his companions. After running a while, they saw the twinkling lights of Mideel. "Huh?' Reno said dumbly. "C'mon!" The four Turks and their enraged President ran to the town. "That pilot lied! I'm gonna kill him!" Rufus roared.   
"Uh...sir? He's already dead," Elena stated.  
"I KNOW THAT, DIPSHIT!"  
Elena cringed at her President's wrath. (Any way, they made into town okay and our story ends there.) Suddenly Rufus charges into the office. "WAIT, I GOTTA GET REVENGE FOR THE PICTURES!" (Oh yeah, looks like we gotta do the epilogue)  
* * * *  
The next week in the ShinRa building, Tseng was in his office doing paperwork and Rude was polishing his precious Polaroid when a fax appeared. Tseng picked it up and examined it. He started to smile. On it were the pictures Rude had collected on the island. Reno with his pants down; Rufus in his pajamas with a bear, drooling; Elena spilling hot water down her pants and Tseng doing the disco during his watch. Tseng's face turned brighter red than Reno's hair as he turned to face Rude. Rude however, was in the process of running for his life, (quite literally) from Reno, Elena and Rufus. Giggling madly and holding the camera above his bald head, Rude sprinted down the hallway, the people in the pictures in hot pursuit. Tseng sighed as he joined in the chase. Just another ordinary week in the ShinRa building...Tseng thought to himself.  
The End  
  
Oh wait, here comes a chocobo with a note. It reads:  
Dear Author,  
YOU FORGOT THE MUTATED CHOCOBOS!!  
Sincerely,  
The Mutated Chocobos  
  
Well, maybe next time. Sorry guys!  
  
Okay, here it comes. Yes, the characters in the story belong to Squaresoft...I didn't use this story for profit...yadda, yadda. Oh, and one more thing. I was on something when I wrote this. But PLEASE, NO FLAMES! I worked really hard on this and it's my first fic. If you absolutely MUST flame me, email me at rivenblade@uswestmail.net. Thanks for reading!  
  
  
  
  



End file.
